I guess I hinted at this last time, but I feel like there's something bigger on the horizon. This recent season of life has been rough. It's been a season where I've made a really bad mistake. It's been a season where I've hurt someone that, while not perfect, loved me when I didn't deserve to be loved and will probably forever occupy a giant chunk of my heart. I watched him show up at my house with a U-Haul and remove every one of his belongings. Things that we thought would be part of our future together. And all I could do was cry, and shamefully, try to blame him, even though I knew I was the root cause of it all. (And through the tears ask him if he was going to say goodbye to the dog because I'm dramatic and maybe a little petty). It's been a season of uncertainty and stress at work. It's been a season where I've dated the wrong boys. Where I've learned that while very cute boys and very young boys are also very fun boys, they are probably not the very right boys (men) that I need to be dating to have the very good life with a very good husband and very adorable children that I want.

And you know. That's all okay. I recently read a piece about how sometimes there are chapters in our lives that we want to skip over. I totally get that. On a very surface level, I want to erase the last year more than anything. But the piece went on to say we can't skip over them. Numbing ourselves, not allowing ourselves to feel the pain that we need to feel, to make the stupid mistakes that we need to make, doesn't get us anywhere. We have to grow. We have to sit in the pain and feel it and cry and hurt and question ourselves.

It hurts me to admit this, but I've even questioned God during this season. God, why did you make me like this? God, why can't I be loved? God, what is wrong with me? God, Are you listening? But, as much as that hurts to say, I think all Christians have questioned God, even if they don't admit it. It's part of the process. He knows and He's always there. When you're done questioning and asking where He's been He wraps you up and says, "I've been here all along. You just wandered. But you are back and I am here. We've got this." (My God apparently speaks in 2018 motivational slogans, but that's cool).

But you know what? If I didn't have this season of life I wouldn't realize how much I need God. How when I stray from Him I feel lost and disconnected. How much I need my friends and my family.  How they've sat beside me through the pain and prayed and loved and made me laugh my head off. (And that it's okay, no VITAL, that you have moments that make you laugh your head off even in the thick of the pain. The friends that make that happen are angels from God.) How much I need running even when I say I hate it. What I want in a husband. What I want my future life to look like. That I miss writing more than I ever knew.

We can't skip through chapters even when we want to. This past year has hurt like hell in about a million ways. But the clarity is finally happening. As Glennon says, "first the pain. Then the rising."

The last year has taught me so many hard lessons. Since a hard (really, really, really hard) breakup about about 16 months ago, I've learned so much about yourself. While being with someone off and on for 12 years is a blessing in so many ways (and as strange as that sounds, I will ALWAYS consider that relationship a blessing in my life), it has a way of allowing you to push away some of the self-learning that's supposed to happen in your twenties. 

I wouldn't say I was a clingy girlfriend. In fact, I'm pretty sure everyone would say the opposite. We were long distance for a good chunk of time and I very rarely visited him. I didn't worry about him when we weren't together and I enjoyed spending time alone (even more than I do now, probably). But the thing is, having that relationship, as distant or "not clingy" as it was, was just enough of a barrier to keep me from learning who I really was. It allowed me to keep the real me at arm's length and live in a state of "eh, everything's fine." Not great. Not horrible. Just fine. (That's no comment on the boy. I know he loved me as much as his heart could and I will love him in some capacity for the rest of my life.) 

But after so many sleepless nights full of sobbing (and I was the one who did the breaking up), I've learned that "just fine" isn't enough. I want a full life. I want a life bursting at its seams with joy and laughter and even the occasional heartbreak. 

Since that breakup, I've learned that I am BOTH in so many ways. I'm smart and... (it's still awkward for me to say this)... pretty. I don't really love politics, but I'm more invested in the human rights issues behind them than ever. I can train for half marathons and have lazy Sundays with mimosas. I've always liked clothes, but I've learned that I really like makeup and that doesn't make me shallow. I like dying my hair blonde and that doesn't make me stupid. I like God (a lot), but I sin and say bad words more than I'd like to admit. I like going to bed early most nights cuddled up next to William Sampson, but I also like a night out once in a while. I like being the center of attention, but I need time alone to recharge. I feel confident and capable some days, but I often feel like I have NO idea what I'm doing. I I like the butterflies you get when you find a boy you really like, but I also like getting frustrated with them and declaring "no more boys for the rest of the year" because sometimes I like to be dramatic too.

I used to think I had to be all or nothing. I had to be smart OR pretty. I had to be serious OR silly. I had to be GO GO GO or I was a huge sloth. I had to be in a serious relationship or I wasn't worthwhile. That last sentence especially makes me sad, but it's how I felt. God has transformed my heart so much over the past months and He continues to work on it. Now I know that being "both" is where the magic is. "Both" is the sweet spot. It's sometimes hard and it's messy and it's particularly uncomfortable for Type A perfectionists, but it's where allll the good stuff happens. I know that I'm allowed to be ALL THE THINGS and that my value is never dependent upon another human, but solely upon His love for me and how kind I am to others. That's it. 

All of this is SO new to me. I've always felt like I was behind on things in life (socially and romantically at least, not so much academically) and I finally feel like I'm getting a glimpse into who I am and what it feels like to actually LIVE life. 

I'm starting to tear up as I write this. Obviously, I haven't written here in almost two years and I was just driving in the car and the words started coming to me and I couldn't get to my computer quickly enough to type. I haven't had the urge to write like this in years, but I used to all the time. I feel like the real me is coming back. She's learning who she is and what she likes and writing is something that used to bring her so much joy. 

It's strange because I'm actually going through one of the hardest times in my life. Perspective, obviously, as I know millions are going through way worse, but it's a hard time for me. But I have this inner drive right now.  This faith. This hope. This KNOWING that life is going to be okay and that I'm *becoming* the person that I've always been meant to become. Some change is happening. I don't know exactly what form it will take, but something big is on the horizon. God is telling  me that and the universe is telling me that and I'm accepting it as truth. A transformation is coming and I cannot wait to see what all it holds.