In love with this.

Fun, Full and Fulfilled

This morning I was talking to my sweet friend Anna (who lets me rant and rave and ramble when I need to, sans judging) and found myself gossiping  to her about people I knew. I quickly caught myself and thought, "Ew. Lindsay, this is not you. Why do you care what suchandsuch is doing or what whatsherface said? This whole judging others thing is not.cute." 

(I often have weird monologues where I tell myself things are cute. or not.cute. Sometimes Anna and others get to hear them. Bless their hearts.)

At that moment, I remembered a quote I'd seen on, of course, Pinterest.

I haven't been on quite the Pinterest kick lately, so the fact that I remembered this quote showed me it really stuck out to me.

Of course, ideally, we wouldn't judge or gossip even if we had all the free time in the world. But I think this quote makes it a little more realistic. Who are we to judge others' lives when we should be spending that time improving our own lives? 

That lead me to the idea of: fun, full and fulfilled. I want my life to be bursting with those three "f"s. I am going to seek these three things at all times through family and friends, my career and the organizations that relate to it, my spirituality, sports, exercise, fellowship and more. 

Any tips on refining and improving in order to live a fun, full and fulfilled life? 

Lent

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. Are y'all giving up anything for Lent? I don't typically, but I thought I might try this year, or at least a version of it.

My first thought was to give up shopping (which I'm doing). Now, this doesn't include grocery shopping or toiletry shopping, but more specifically addresses my tiny problem that some may call a shopping addiction. I love clothes, specifically dresses. I can't get enough.

Well this got me thinking about the general principle behind it which I think can best be summed up as "overindulging." Do I need more (absolutely precious, make my legs look a mile long) dresses? No. Do I want to indulge in more dresses? Heck, yes.

So this year, I'm also giving up overindulging. Like you know, those Friday nights when you have one too many glasses of wine because 'why not?' or when you eat out because thawing one of the many meals in your freezer would take a whole five minutes (I'm really not bad about this one, but I know lots who are). I'm giving up overindulging and bringing back mindfulness. If I'm going to have a glass of wine, it's going to be at a nice dinner and I'm going to enjoy the heck out of it. If I'm going to eat out, it's going to be a rare occasion for one of my favorite meals and I'm going to savor each bite.

There are people in this world who would be in heaven with half of what we have and we don't even take the time to realize that. It's about time we/I did.

What are y'all giving up?

Brother Sister Dates

My brother and I had a date night last night. We went to Noodles, a restaurant that specializes in pastas from different countries. They have the calories listed (which I love), so I picked a relatively healthy pasta. While eating my brother asked me how many calories his had. I said, "You don't need to worry about that!" He said, "Neither do you. Let's make a deal." "Okay." "Calories don't count on brother sister dates." "Done!"

And with that we headed to Goodberry's for concretes. YUM!

Few things in the world beat spending time with that boy.

My tiny, precious, devil, miracle, spoiled, saving grace, stubborn, perfect puppy

Two days after Christmas was one of the hardest days of my life. I had to say goodbye to my best friend of almost 13 years, my sweet sweet baby boy, Tucker. I still have trouble talking about it, so this post will probably not do him justice, but as one of his advocates here on Earth, I know I need to try.

Tuck, you were my tiny, precious puppy. I remember going out to the country to get you when I was 12. You were so cute! We brought you home and you were so little and perfect. You were so little, in fact, that you hid under a small antique desk and I thought I lost you. I was sobbing and had the whole neighborhood, including the mailman, Horace, looking for you. When I found you, you were curled up under the desk, content as could be. Horace still laughs about that day. 

Tuck, you were my devil puppy! When you got a little bigger, you ate everything in sight. The couch, the kitchen table, my ankles. I was so mad at you sometimes, but you grew out of it. 

Tuck, you were my miracle puppy. At three years old, you were diagnosed with lymphoma, an aggressive cancer of the lymphnodes. The doctor said that even with chemotherapy, there was a less than 5 percent chance you would make it more than a year. You showed them. You barked your head off every time we got off the highway to go to chemo treatments. I'm pretty sure you were barking in their faces. You did what no doctors thought you could do and beat cancer and lived another ten years. 

Tuck, you were my spoiled puppy. During chemo, you had to eat chicken and rice because it was so bland. After that, all you wanted was people food. From that day on, you always got a big helping of hamburger, chicken, even filet mignon with your dog food. The dog food was really for show.

Tuck, you were my saving grace puppy. Few people know that there were a few times in college and right after when I would just cry and hold you. I was probably being dramatic and over the top, but there was nothing better than having you in my bed, cuddling with you and knowing that your love was unconditional.

Tuck, you were my stubborn puppy. The last few months of your life were so much harder than you let anyone know. Even two days before the last day of your life, we went on a walk and you wagged your tail with everything you had. On that last day, you barked at the vet's office with all of  your heart. You wouldn't let us know how much you hurt. You were stubborn and strong and my best friend.

We grew up together, Tuck. I'll miss you more than you'll ever know. I can't tell you how much it meant to me when we were sitting on that floor in the vet's office a few minutes before you had to leave that you took that extra effort to curl up next to me. I'll never forget that. I love you too, baby boy.

When we got to the vet's it was pouring rain. When we left it was pouring rain. But on the way home, the sun came out. It started getting brighter and brighter until it was almost blinding. I've never seen the weather change that drastically in that short of time. There is no doubt in my mind that sunshine was God smiling as you arrived in Heaven. You always had the ability to make everyone smile. Watch after us, sweet baby boy, and know that you were my best gift ever. 

Tuck, you were my perfect puppy.

I'm a closet nerd.

Okay, okay, maybe not so closet, but not in the way you are thinking.

It's pretty obvious that I'm a nerd in that I love lists, organizing, planning, crafts, the alma mater and Pretty Little Liars.

It's not so obvious that I'm a nerd because I like video games. Not cool ones like Halo or Call of Duty (although, I do like Grand Theft Auto, is that cool?) But seriously dorky ones. Massive online role playing games like World of Warcraft.

Now when I say that I like them, it doesn't really mean that I'm good at them. Actually, I'm awful. But I find the whole concept fascinating. My best friend got me into WOW (get with the lingo, y'all) in college. I fell in love with it because we would sit there for hours, him staring at the computer trying to make it to the elusive level 70 Palladin, me cooking us filet mignons on the George Foreman in his dorm room (pretty sure that was totally against dorm rules, but whatev), us both sipping Icehouses (we were naive and poor and not of age, we took what we could get).

Now that I type that I'm pretty sure that doesn't sound like heaven to most of you. But to me it was. I love wasting days and nights away with that boy, still to this day.

When he transferred colleges, we both had apartments and we were both 21, so I didn't have to cook the filet mignons illegally and we made the switch from Icehouse to my beloved rum and diet coke, but little else changed.

Then graduation and the real world hit. And now I long for those silly video game filled days.

Well, a couple of months ago, said best friend and I pre-ordered the new Star Wars online role-playing game (nerd status, solidified). And oh my goodness y'all, it's now available for download. We sorta, accidently lost the code to download it, but the Help Desk is supposed to call us back today with it. With any luck, we'll have the code soon and will be playing, eating and sipping in just a few short hours.

So my secret's out. I'm a nerd. But if loving laid back times with best friends and good food and drink when the world seems a little more simple makes me a nerd, I never ever ever want to be cool.

Life

Several events lately have reminded me of how precious life really is.

My friends were so lucky to make it out alive Saturday night. How someone could value life so little that he thinks money is a reasonable excuse to hurt people or even take their lives is beyond me.

But that's exactly what the people who killed Eve thought. Eve Carson's murder trial is going on right now and more and more details are coming out. They said they killed her because she saw their faces. Why didn't they wear a mask?? The death of an amazing person all for 700 puny dollars. It literally makes me sick.

Eve asked the murderers to pray with her right before she was killed. In her darkest hour, she was able to know what really matters. As I've said before, I didn't know Eve well, but I had the privilege of meeting her a couple of times and the backyards of our houses practically touched. I cry every time I read anything about it. I hate those people for what they did.

My best friend's dad died when he was 17 in early December. This is always a hard time of the year for him. I never knew his dad, but to think about losing a parent at any age, let alone 17, is incredibly hard to fathom.

Freshman year of college my grandmother died. I know that grandparents die, but it was sudden and we had an extremely special relationship. I'm so fortunate in that I know she knew I loved her with every ounce of my body - we just had that sort of bond.

All of these events have served as a huge reminder that life is precious. It can end at any moment. We complain and get caught up in the rush of things, but are you living the life you want? Are you being the kind of person you want to be? Are you telling the people you love how much you love them?

The one thing I really want to get across in this post is to value life. There are awful people in this world who don't. But not all of them are murderers. Some are every day people who hate life and don't appreciate the time we are given. I think at times all of us are even guilty of this. Let's make a conscious effort this December and beyond to value this life and appreciate it for the gift that it is.

Truth.

Spin Wildly :)

“If you’re feeling frightened about what comes next, don’t be. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own path towards happiness, don’t waste time with regret. Spin wildly into your next action. Enjoy the present, each moment, as it comes; because you’ll never get another one quite like it.”

One Month Challenge: Be Present

In reading another blog, I came across the idea to challenge myself to live in the present, all the time, at every moment, for one month.

This will be hard for me. This will be hard for me not because I do a terrible job of living in the present, in fact, I'm pretty good at it. This will be hard for me because I am pretty good at living in the past, present and future. Let me clarify.

I think I have moments where I am awesome at living in the present. Seriously. I can't count the number of times I have told everyone around me to be quiet because this is the kind of moment that I love. I'm pretty good at that. Those moments often include wine and music, sometimes include basketball and sleep, but always include good people.

I also am awesome at living in the past and the future. I constantly dwell on the past, how much I miss college, how much I miss my relationship, etc. I also am always planning for the future imagining how I'll have a big house  with columns and hydrangeas and worrying that I'll have no one to share it with.

During this month I want to take the emphasis from the past and future and place them on the present. Help keep me accountable, readers?

New Perspective

I woke up this morning grateful and renewed.

My favorite days are when I wake up and read my devotional and it speaks to what I am feeling. It could be that I'm feeling sad and need comfort or it could be that I'm feeling great and the devotion just reinforces that. Today was a case of the latter.

Today's devotion spoke of not worring so much about the things that are wrong or the things that need to be "fixed," because when we focus on those, we take away our ability to enjoy everything around us. We need to focus on the good things and all the beauty in this world. Once we do that and enjoy every minute, the things that we thought needed to be "fixed" will fall into place.

Perfect.

J'Adore

New Years Goals :)

Let me start by saying Nashville, the bowl game and New Years at the Grove Park were all amazing. Rum-and-dc, sunny spot on a cold day, dinner of only wine and cheese, skinny day - amazing. But to write a post now without including all the pictures I've yet to upload would be doing the incredible trip an enormous injustice. So, my friends, you will have to wait. But let me tell you, it's worth the wait.

Okay, okay. Here's a preview: 

:) More to come soon. In the meantime, I'd like to share some New Years Goals. Now, I'm not trying to go against the grain by not using the word "Resolutions." But most New Years Resolutions are solid, measurable things (lose X lbs, sleep X hours a night, etc) while mine are a little less tangible so I'm using the word "goals."

1. Live in truth. It's not like I'm a liar. But over the last year I caught myself in a couple little white lies. At the time, I thought I was sparing others feelings, or making a situation less awkward, or being generally harmless, but now I know I was really rationalizing. I want to live in complete truth.

2. Be grateful. Y'all know this is a constant goal of mine. I always make an effort to count my blessings and focus on the positive. This year I am making more time to spend in fellowship so that I may walk closer with God and grow in my relationship with Him. (Dedicating more time to Him these past few days has already made my load feel tons lighter and made my heart feel more open)

3. Don't judge. My least favorite part of me is the judgmental part of me. And it's a weird part. It's not judgmental against different races or classes, it's judgmental against personalities. If someone and I do not automatically click, I write them off immediately. Now, in my mind it's not always their fault. In fact, most of the time, it's my fault which leads me to goal #4.

4. Be confident. This is my toughest task. I am my hardest critic. And I'm naturally an introvert - not a scary, creepy introvert (no offense), but an 'it's hard for me to speak up with my ideas in a group' introvert. Somehow I always feel like my idea won't be good enough. And I'm horrible at public speaking. Horrible. I get the red splotchies like I do when I have the first sip of a glass of wine. This year I'm trying to do things that scare me. I'm trying to speak up before I have a chance to analyze the situation 50 million times, I'm trying to put myself in positions to be heard and seen. This is an ongoing struggle for me. Sometimes it helps to get outside of myself and say, "Hey. You are a kind person. You have a great job that you love. You are pretty enough. You have wonderful friends and family that love you. You are okay. Don't be so small and scared." I never realized it until I wrote that, but "feeling small" is the best way I can describe it. I remember my last year at UNC, I felt larger than life. I was confident in school, I knew the town I lived in inside and out, I went out all the time and smiled and laughed and lived life. I never thought I'd feel small in the city I was born and raised in, but Raleigh has really grown. And as I begin my career, I'm back on the bottom. I need to work on getting back to that confident place. (Part of this goal may involve putting this blog "out there" a bit.)

5. Be social.  I have so many awesome friends. And I'm at this great place where I'm meeting some really cool new ones too. But most of the time, when friends call, I ignore the call. Most Friday nights I'd rather be on my couch with a bottle of wine by myself than out with people. I vow to change this. There will be plenty of times for Fridays with wine on the couch when I have kids and they go to bed. I'm 24 and I need to start acting like it a little more. I think moving into a house with one of my best friends in two weeks will help the process, too.

6. Be open. I've been through a few things in my life that have made me guarded. It's funny because most would not describe me as guarded. I'm extremely caring and my heart tends to beat out my head every time. But, internally, there's a lot going on. This year I'm vowing to not let all the past "mess" get in the way. I will be open. I will start a clean slate with everyone I know. One of my favorite sayings applies here, "If you agree to bury the hatchet, don't leave the handle sticking out." I also vow not to turn down opportunities because I'm afraid nothing could beat what I've already had. If it doesn't, no harm done; if it does, well I would have missed out if I hadn't. :)

7. Stop overanlayzing. Pretty self-explanatory, but much needed.

This sums up how I want to live 2011:

All I want from you is to trust me with what little you can,
and grow in loving people around you with the same love I share with you.
It's not your job to change them, or to convince them.
You are free to love without an agenda.
The Shack

Happy New Year loves!

Never...

Never, ever, EVER take for granted a friend that can make you laugh when you feel like crying. These people are angels. You know who you are in my life and I'm eternally thankful and indebted to you. I love you.


Here are a few of those angels I could not live without:

My oldest and best. Meet halfway?

Love this girl, even though she pulls for the Pack!

Hello, Perspective

Ok. I promise to post about Carolina Cake Balls and the Va. Tech game later, but some things trump food and football (gasp, I know, it is hard to believe and I can't believe I said it).

I have had a series of events lately that have been HUGE wake up calls. There is no denying that God is trying to tell me something (to realize how blessed I am, to lean on him and to stop sweating the small stuff, I think) and I'm so grateful for it.

I won't get into specifics for the sake of people's privacy, but there have been a couple scares in my life lately. They both have turned out to be nothing more than scares, but have provided ridiculous amounts of perspective.

In addition to those two scares, my brother is giving me the same much needed reality check.  He will be 9 on Friday. WHAT?! I remember the day he came home, the day I was the only one that could make him stop crying, the day I complained awkwardly about how starving I was to distract from the fact that I didn't know how to feel about getting a new brother the day before my 16th birthday.

I cannot believe he will be 9. He is starting to get this great little personality that makes me so proud of him. He's smart and funny and we have a bond that I cherish. His sense of humor kills me and I cannot imagine my life without him. I'm so grateful for my brother in my life.

Anyway, all this is to say there are way more important things than the things that stress us out day-to-day. And I have to believe that God really does have a plan for me. He's been trying to tell me to relax and appreciate all the blessings that I have - He will handle the rest. What an enormous gift to have such amazing friends and family AND be able to give all the little daily stresses to God. Life is good!! :)

Thank you...

As I'm sitting here on my second to last day of work, so many thoughts are coming through my mind. I am going to my dream job, but it's so bittersweet. I wanted to do PR out of school, but now I see things have happened just how they should (haven't I learned this lesson yet?!?). Getting the job here has prepared me for this new PR job. I have learned SO much in my time here, both life lessons and career lessons. There is one lesson, however, that stands out above all of them. On that note, thank you SA, for teaching me:

OPENMINDEDNESS. I remember when I first started here, I was shocked. There were two of us from the South. The rest were from England, Italy, even... New York. Even though I've travelled all over the world, I have been in a certain environment most of my life. Broughton and Carolina are both very southern, old money schools. And because of my family, I've been surrounded by those type of people often. Before SA, I felt a certain superiority for being from this background. Not in a financial sense - just in a "I'm Southern, I'm better," sense. I often found myself not relating well to people not from this same type of environment. Now I realize it's because I didn't try to relate. While I will always be a proper Carolina girl who loves her mama and daddy, can't get enough bbq, appreciates wine and cheese, would do anything for her Tar Heels, and puts college football before most other things in her life, I've learned that different types of people are what make the world go round. I have met some of the most amazing people here - people I never thought I would be friends with that I now cannot imagine my life without. Now when I'm not cheering for my Heels, I'm cheering for Inter-Milan. Instead of fighting with the nearest Duke fan, I'm fighting with an Ohio State fan. Instead of a sandwich from the perpetually Southern classic Village Deli, I'm getting a turkey club (so much better than Village Deli's) from Meridian Cafe, a local cafe owned by a Greek family from Jersey. While this job has not made me so openminded as to like Durham, it has opened my eyes to the beauty of difference and for that, I am forever grateful.

Expectancy v Expectation

I was reading The Shack last night (again, I know) and I was particulary struck by a discussion of expectancy versus expectation. The excerpt was specifically in reference to friendship and how when we put expectations upon one another, we begin to live in the "noun" format, with laws and rules. When we live in expectancy, however, we are in the "verb" format, in a dynamic relationship that can grow and change without expecation and law being placed upon it.

Whoa... I LOVE THAT. I can think of several friendships I place expectation upon. I only end up disappointed and the person had no idea he was even doing anything wrong! I must must must learn to live in the verb format. In expectancy.

If I could make every student coming into college read a book, it would be the Shack. (I know that would never fly, but it would be sooo much better than whatever book I had to read about the army...)

Love and relationship over power and hierarchy. Expectancy not expecatation.

BRILLIANT.

Lovelovelove!

...It's Not Going to Change Your Life...

As some of you know, I have tried to be better with my money of late. I have a rather sizeable debt to pay back to my parents and I want more than anything for that debt to dwindle down to zero. (Note: I think I'm doing pretty great at this - 450 dollars to each parent in the last two weeks -- thanks tax refund!)

It seems the more I try to be better with my money, the more I find things I want. (In reality, I think this is stemming from a greater sense of self, a clearer idea of my own taste and design style, but that's a whole 'nother post.) For example, the purple post it note on my desk is a list of wants. I realize these are all WANTS. None are close to needs.

Today I was on the elevator and a man was talking about drapes. He said, "Then you go with the regular drapes, not the silk drapes because silk drapes aren't going to change your life."

Well, I don't know what to think about that theory. New Lindsay Phillips flats probably aren't going to change my life, though they could change my business casual wardrobe drastically. A new tv probably won't change my life, but it will make watching Carolina games that much more enjoyable. A wine cooler isn't going to change my life, but it will ensure my wine is the perfect temperature when I get home at 5:00 on a Friday.

Yet, his point does have some merit. The Ray-bans on my list... probably won't change my life, or my wardrobe, or my level of sun protection. With that theory in mind, I bought some cheap, tortoise shell aviators from Target today.

In the end, I think the man's point is a good one, but shouldn't be used to extremes. After all, if my new flats with interchangable decor can go from work to dinner to drinks... can you really argue that they won't change my life?? I think not....

One Year Ago...

I woke up this morning in a horrible mood. I was grumpy, tired, and concerned about the most petty of things. That is when I remembered what today was. A year ago today, Eve Carson was murdered. I lived very close to Eve and had the pleasure of meeting her a few times. I get chills thinking about this time last year. I remember reading in the DTH that there had been a murder, but that the identity of the girl was not yet known. It was a few days before anyone knew it was Eve. I remember walking through campus a few days before Spring Break of my senior year and seeing people crying and painting signs for Eve. The announcement had come about an hour earlier while I was in class. Though I didn't know Eve well, I saw her on a regular basis and had talked to her several times. Eve was taken from her home, just yards from my home.



So this morning, when I woke up and was rushing around pressed for time, (mentally) complaining about work, and trying my best to ruin something amazing because of it's lack of structure and definition, I stopped for a minute. I was running out the door ten minutes late and realized I hadn't read my devotional. That is when I remembered what today was. I immediately started crying and took a deep breath. Eve's death still angers me to this day. While I am certain that I am not nearly as smart or poised or mature as Eve, she inspires me to do the best I can with who I am. She inspires me to look at the good in everything instead of trying to pick it apart with "what-ifs." I have been crying off and on all morning and I know it will continue throughout the day. But as upsetting as the situation is, there is no place I'd rather be this afternoon than in the Pit on the most beautiful campus in the world with the Clefs singing James Taylor. I'm pretty sure Eve would like that, too. :)