I guess I hinted at this last time, but I feel like there's something bigger on the horizon. This recent season of life has been rough. It's been a season where I've made a really bad mistake. It's been a season where I've hurt someone that, while not perfect, loved me when I didn't deserve to be loved and will probably forever occupy a giant chunk of my heart. I watched him show up at my house with a U-Haul and remove every one of his belongings. Things that we thought would be part of our future together. And all I could do was cry, and shamefully, try to blame him, even though I knew I was the root cause of it all. (And through the tears ask him if he was going to say goodbye to the dog because I'm dramatic and maybe a little petty). It's been a season of uncertainty and stress at work. It's been a season where I've dated the wrong boys. Where I've learned that while very cute boys and very young boys are also very fun boys, they are probably not the very right boys (men) that I need to be dating to have the very good life with a very good husband and very adorable children that I want.

And you know. That's all okay. I recently read a piece about how sometimes there are chapters in our lives that we want to skip over. I totally get that. On a very surface level, I want to erase the last year more than anything. But the piece went on to say we can't skip over them. Numbing ourselves, not allowing ourselves to feel the pain that we need to feel, to make the stupid mistakes that we need to make, doesn't get us anywhere. We have to grow. We have to sit in the pain and feel it and cry and hurt and question ourselves.

It hurts me to admit this, but I've even questioned God during this season. God, why did you make me like this? God, why can't I be loved? God, what is wrong with me? God, Are you listening? But, as much as that hurts to say, I think all Christians have questioned God, even if they don't admit it. It's part of the process. He knows and He's always there. When you're done questioning and asking where He's been He wraps you up and says, "I've been here all along. You just wandered. But you are back and I am here. We've got this." (My God apparently speaks in 2018 motivational slogans, but that's cool).

But you know what? If I didn't have this season of life I wouldn't realize how much I need God. How when I stray from Him I feel lost and disconnected. How much I need my friends and my family.  How they've sat beside me through the pain and prayed and loved and made me laugh my head off. (And that it's okay, no VITAL, that you have moments that make you laugh your head off even in the thick of the pain. The friends that make that happen are angels from God.) How much I need running even when I say I hate it. What I want in a husband. What I want my future life to look like. That I miss writing more than I ever knew.

We can't skip through chapters even when we want to. This past year has hurt like hell in about a million ways. But the clarity is finally happening. As Glennon says, "first the pain. Then the rising."

The last year has taught me so many hard lessons. Since a hard (really, really, really hard) breakup about about 16 months ago, I've learned so much about yourself. While being with someone off and on for 12 years is a blessing in so many ways (and as strange as that sounds, I will ALWAYS consider that relationship a blessing in my life), it has a way of allowing you to push away some of the self-learning that's supposed to happen in your twenties. 

I wouldn't say I was a clingy girlfriend. In fact, I'm pretty sure everyone would say the opposite. We were long distance for a good chunk of time and I very rarely visited him. I didn't worry about him when we weren't together and I enjoyed spending time alone (even more than I do now, probably). But the thing is, having that relationship, as distant or "not clingy" as it was, was just enough of a barrier to keep me from learning who I really was. It allowed me to keep the real me at arm's length and live in a state of "eh, everything's fine." Not great. Not horrible. Just fine. (That's no comment on the boy. I know he loved me as much as his heart could and I will love him in some capacity for the rest of my life.) 

But after so many sleepless nights full of sobbing (and I was the one who did the breaking up), I've learned that "just fine" isn't enough. I want a full life. I want a life bursting at its seams with joy and laughter and even the occasional heartbreak. 

Since that breakup, I've learned that I am BOTH in so many ways. I'm smart and... (it's still awkward for me to say this)... pretty. I don't really love politics, but I'm more invested in the human rights issues behind them than ever. I can train for half marathons and have lazy Sundays with mimosas. I've always liked clothes, but I've learned that I really like makeup and that doesn't make me shallow. I like dying my hair blonde and that doesn't make me stupid. I like God (a lot), but I sin and say bad words more than I'd like to admit. I like going to bed early most nights cuddled up next to William Sampson, but I also like a night out once in a while. I like being the center of attention, but I need time alone to recharge. I feel confident and capable some days, but I often feel like I have NO idea what I'm doing. I I like the butterflies you get when you find a boy you really like, but I also like getting frustrated with them and declaring "no more boys for the rest of the year" because sometimes I like to be dramatic too.

I used to think I had to be all or nothing. I had to be smart OR pretty. I had to be serious OR silly. I had to be GO GO GO or I was a huge sloth. I had to be in a serious relationship or I wasn't worthwhile. That last sentence especially makes me sad, but it's how I felt. God has transformed my heart so much over the past months and He continues to work on it. Now I know that being "both" is where the magic is. "Both" is the sweet spot. It's sometimes hard and it's messy and it's particularly uncomfortable for Type A perfectionists, but it's where allll the good stuff happens. I know that I'm allowed to be ALL THE THINGS and that my value is never dependent upon another human, but solely upon His love for me and how kind I am to others. That's it. 

All of this is SO new to me. I've always felt like I was behind on things in life (socially and romantically at least, not so much academically) and I finally feel like I'm getting a glimpse into who I am and what it feels like to actually LIVE life. 

I'm starting to tear up as I write this. Obviously, I haven't written here in almost two years and I was just driving in the car and the words started coming to me and I couldn't get to my computer quickly enough to type. I haven't had the urge to write like this in years, but I used to all the time. I feel like the real me is coming back. She's learning who she is and what she likes and writing is something that used to bring her so much joy. 

It's strange because I'm actually going through one of the hardest times in my life. Perspective, obviously, as I know millions are going through way worse, but it's a hard time for me. But I have this inner drive right now.  This faith. This hope. This KNOWING that life is going to be okay and that I'm *becoming* the person that I've always been meant to become. Some change is happening. I don't know exactly what form it will take, but something big is on the horizon. God is telling  me that and the universe is telling me that and I'm accepting it as truth. A transformation is coming and I cannot wait to see what all it holds. 

Peggy Jo

A week ago my grandmother was taken from us. She certainly wasn't living her best life the past few months, but we didn't know it would be that day, that soon. I'm still processing it all, so I'm going to post the speech I read at her funeral a few days ago.

Hi, I’m Lindsay Priester, Peg’s oldest granddaughter. My grandmother was one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met. She lived life each and every day with the kind of enthusiasm most of us can only muster on our birthday or a holiday. I’m so blessed to have known her for 30 years and during those 30 years she taught me several lessons. Some of them serious, but most of them silly because Po is the absolute last person in the world who would want this to be a pity party. A party? 100 percent yes. Bust out the decorations and cocktails. But a pity party, never. On that note, here are some lessons she taught me.

• ·         She taught me lots of lessons about hair including keep it away from water, don’t let it go gray and always befriend your hairstylist.
• ·         She taught me that it’s okay to love both Alabama and Auburn, even though we may be the only two people on the planet who feel that way.  
• ·         She taught me the secret code for getting bartender Burt down in Clemson to make you a drink.
• ·         She taught me that as long as you can get away with it, it’s okay to lie about your age. For that reason, we decided that for at least the next 10 years I’d be 25 and she’d be 45.
• ·         She taught me that getting a little tan is okay, despite what the doctors say.  She’d say that “a little culuh” was important for looking healthy and happy. I’m naturally very pale, but she’d notice any time I got the smallest amount of a suntan and she’d tell me how pretty it looked.
• ·         She taught me the difference between squash and watermelon, but she would kill me if I told y’all what that meant, so we’ll keep that one a secret.
• ·         She taught me how to make a perfect vodka martini (before I was old enough to drink a vodka martini).  I’m more of a wine girl and don’t like olives, but I know I’ll have one every now and then in her honor.
• ·         She taught me that cheese and crackers not only counts as dinner, but is one of the best dinners. The other best dinner (or breakfast, or lunch, or snack) is bacon.  And lots of it.
• ·         She taught me that when it comes to fashion, go big or go home. Leopard print, sequins, nothing is too flashy. I remember when I was little she had a multi-colored jewel encrusted lizard pin which we both thought should be on the cover of Vogue.
• ·         She taught me that you should never, ever be seen without lipstick. Preferably, Revlon Fire and Ice.
• ·         She taught me to love people ferociously and with abandon. It was such a privilege to watch her share her love so generously every day with people from all walks of life. She became like family to the nurses who took care of her. She adored all of her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren and even became friends with our friends.  She wrote one of the greatest love stories of all time with my grandfather, Big, a man she still looked at with the same sparkle in her eye at 75 as she did at 17. 

But mostly, she taught me to say “yes” more. Yes to more late nights, yes to that piece of cake, yes to that cocktail and, most importantly, yes to that thing that terrifies you. The tiredness, headache and fear will go away soon enough and the memory will be there forever. She taught me that life is short and living life afraid is a waste of time.  We’ll miss you Peggy Jo, but you’ll be with us in every decision that we make. If I can live a life half as full of love and joy as yours, I will be one lucky girl. Love you forever, Pogers. 

This team.

Last night we lost the National Championship. At the buzzer. I think this game hurts more than any game in my 29 years as a Carolina fan. I get that it's new and fresh and seems that way, but I think it's more than that.

It's Marcus Paige saying that these were the best four years of his life and that this year, not his best year as a basketball player, was the most fun year of his life ever.

It's Marcus Paige hitting a floating three with four seconds left to tie the game. That brief moment of pure joy where we came back from 10 down and our senior leader who embodies everything I ever want anyone to think of when they think of UNC ties the game and we *know* we're getting our storybook ending.

It's Marcus Paige's (sorry, there are a lot of "It's Marcus..." He's that kind of kid) senior speech when he tears up thanking Roy for always believing in him.

It's Kennedy Meeks crying, telling the media that watching Joel James cry is the worst part of it all. That Joel James is his hero and that he wants to be just like him.

It's Theo Pinson who, just a few days ago, was asking where his seat was at the press conference and doing Larry Fedora impressions, sitting in the corner with a towel over his head.

It's Nate Britt's adopted brother beating us. It's the fact that Nate Britt has an adopted brother and that his parents each sat one half on each team's side.

It's Brice Johnson, who four years ago was seriously debating leaving this team, wanting this win more than anyone.

It's Joel Berry who has quietly stepped up all year going 6 for 7 in the first half.

It's the fact that more than 50 Carolina basketball alums were in Houston. The Carolina family is always supportive, but they knew this team was special.

It's Roy constantly fielding questions about retirement, his knees, the scandal when all he really wanted to talk about was how much he loved this team and how badly he wanted it for them.

It's this team. This was OUR team. There are teams you like because they are Carolina and you're a Carolina fan and then there are teams you like because you're a human. This was a team you liked because you're a human. Basketball is "just a sport" and this was "just a team" but when the people behind it are these people, it means more. This hurts.

Oh, Hi

I always say I'm done with this blog and then months pass and I get the desire to write again. Not for work, not for the groups I'm involved with...just for myself.

It's the Monday after Christmas, so work is a little slow. We've had a really great year this year and I feel so lucky to be able to play such an important role in it all.

Christmas was perfect. Mom and I did our usual EAT ALL THE BAD THINGS dinner which was magical and honestly, I'm still living off of. Eating better starts in the new year. We made a chipotle butter turkey and it was bomb. And dressing. You know dressing holds the key to my heart. I'd marry it if I could. Mostly, though, the night was perfect because it's just one of my favorite times with my mom. We're very lucky to see each other a lot (like 4 or 5 times a week), which is great because she's my favorite person.

Christmas Day was spent at my dad's with that side of the family. Nikki's little boys Reese and Ryder are adorable and bring a new energy to Christmas. Po was looking radiant as usual. Then MG and I did our Christmas, which was low-key and wonderful. I'm a lucky girl in so many ways.

Two semi-big (at least to me) updates in my world.

1. I got a dog in June! Not sure if I ever wrote about that. He actually showed up at a family friend's doorstep and she kept him for a while, but it was a lot with two other dogs. When she heard I was looking, it worked out perfectly. His name is Willie (I thought about changing it, but it suits him now) and he's the most magical dog ever. He's this weird combination of redneck and British in my mind and I'm obsessed with him. He is very wild on a leash (I actually call him Wild or Wild Willie just as much as I call him Willie), but he's so sweet and we are besties.

2. I ran a half marathon! That's probably one of the things I'm most proud of in my life up to this point. I did all of the training (4 runs each week) and finished without any issues on November 1! I wasn't going for time since I'm the slowest person on the planet and really just wanted to cross the line without an ambulance being called, but was actually pretty happy with my 2:17 time. I'm debating another one. I got a little tired of having to run four times a week, but I really enjoyed getting better and the feeling of crossing the finish line was one of the best in my life.

That's all for now. Wishing everyone a very happy New Year!

Life is so so short.

A sweet friend's mom passed away today after a battle with early onset Alzheimers. My friend is 27. Her mom is in her 50s. Life can really suck.

But it's also really really beautiful. Over the past six or so years, I've seen my friend go through this. She's always been so full of strength and grace. I spent last week with her at the beach. She knew this time was coming and said she was at peace with it. She's going to miss her mom like crazy, but knows her pain is gone. I admire my friend so much. She never looked for pity, never made this about her and always focused on others, even when her own world was falling apart. I know I could NEVER come close to being as graceful, serving and loving as she has been.

Say a prayer for my friend and her family. Hug your loved ones.  Design the life you want to live and live it. Love the heck out of people who mean something to you. 

Oh, hi! Not gonna lie, I almost forgot I had a blog. Life has been so full and so good that this has just fallen to the wayside. But I miss writing. I write all day for work, but I miss writing just for me. So I'm back. At least, until I'm not again, because let's be honest, we know it's going to happen. I don't know where to start, so here's a list of random things.

• My house is still my favorite thing ever. I just got the yard fenced in and I cried. I've been rambling on about a picket fence since I was like 18 (yeah, I was SUPER popular at parties) and when I got it, I cried. It's perfect and makes my sweet house feel even more like home.
• I just painted my coffee table and I'm obsessed with it. It was actually a big oops moment that turned into a well, it can't get any worse moment which turned into love. It's navy with gold legs which sounds crazy (and it sort of is) but I love it. 
• Work is great. Super busy, but great. Being a leader  and having real ownership in a business has become such a passion of mine and I'm so happy with where I am and what I'm doing.
• Running and pilates are my jam, as always.
• I don't have any HUGE trips planned for summer, but a few mini vacays I'm excited about. This weekend my mom, her sisters and I are headed to the beach for a long weekend for Mother's Day. It will be lots of sun, sand, wine and margaritas and I cannot wait. In July, MG and I will be guests at a wedding in Duck and we're staying a few extra days. I've never been to the "real" Outer Banks and can't wait!
• I've found that I really love gardening. I built a raised bed and have lettuce, kale, tomatoes, peppers and snap peas. It's so fun to watch everything grow! It makes me want to be really self-sufficient, but I think chickens would drive me crazy and we all know I'm scared of cows.

Okay, that's all for now. Maybe I can actually get my act together and share some pictures soon?